4. The fluctuating mind

Days were getting harder and the temperature at home was linearly increasing. From the books that I was reading, I could derive few points but none of them would immediately address my problems even though they were pretty great ways of finding permanent solutions. I tried "googling" a few keywords to try out my luck with the internet; it gave me a ton of results but none to my rescue. Everyday I used to read books and google for sometime with new keywords just to find out that at the end of the day I had the same results!

     As any other youth I also felt insecure to discuss the situation with my well known friends and well wishers in the beginning but now that it was getting worse I decided to go a step ahead and discuss it with real people to understand if it had any solution (immediate or comparatively quicker). I was in search of some piece of advice, from anyone, that could make greater impact on the situation and make things work they used to be.

     I talked to mom, sis, friends, cousins, well wishers & teachers too; but at the end of the day all were just talks and nothing turned out to be helping my situation and my mental state.

     Few days passed and I was still in search of an easier solution. I don't know if I was correct or wrong but I was just searching for an easier and simpler solution to a non problem that was being pursued as a sever problem.

Sometimes in a very feeble voice I sang lonely in my room at bed time.

At times,

I feel to give up

I feel to do away with my life

I feel to end it all within no time

But then I think of

my past, my family

and all those great happy days

and some times,

I feel to bounce back

I feel to follow my dreams

I feel to win it all

aha! that's not all. Some times,

I feel to ignore

I feel not to give it a damn

I feel to push it to back

and move on

In short, My mind was completely fluctuating between high altitudes just like a wrongly solved physics graph problem. I was in a state of trance!